Monday, April 30, 2012

That Moment

Do you have a nightmare?
Something that you truely dread.
You spend intentional time trying your best to prevent?

I do, and there was a moment today that I thought my moment had occured.

Let me give you the background. . .

Dave and I both feel called to the mission field. No question.
But what about Maggi and Emma?

Do they feel called?

When we brought them into our quest for missions, they cried themselves to sleep that night.

They have left their home, their family, thier friends, given up their school, their home church, some of their favorite toys, their dogs, their big back yard. . .

They have given up so much,

This itieneration journey has been tough for our family. We had hoped to be boarding a plane in the next few days and arriving in our new country ready for a New Thing. Waiting for God's timing and having faith for miracles is hard enough for us, but to continue to change dates, addresses, churches, etc is hard for these sweet girls.

Dave and I have prayed that all this transition would not affect them.

We are careful to not say negative things about our budget, or timetable, as to not to discourage them. We will go out of our way to find a park, or fun restaurant, or interesting landmark, and will say. . . "Itineration is so much fun!" "How many little girls get to go to . . . (blank) like ya'll do. We are purposelly trying to accentuate the positive.

My girls are so very different in how they process things, and how they express those feelings. We usually know what Emma is thinking, if she is missing something, or wants something she gave up, and we work through that. But Maggi, she internalizes things so much. She wouldn't want to say she is hurting or having a hard time with something, as to not disappoint us. She is a pleaser.

Last night we had been talking about how hurt Maggi has been over the loss of dog, and her constant desire for a new pet, and had started to talk through things, when a neighbor came over, and for one reason or another, we never made it back to that conversation.

So we were up bright and early for a service this morning in San Rafel.

Dave introduced us to the congregation as usual, and then has me introduce the girls. That all went well. Maggi and Emma usually sing their MK song, and if time and the church request Maggi will sing her song.

So she starts to sing her song
and after the first 5 lines

she stops and loses it

Starts crying, infront of the church, holding the microphone. . .

And that was my moment.

The moment where all of my fears come true. Itineration has caused damage. She has refused to go any further. She has decided to turn her back against me, her dad, and God.

That was what I was thinking.

Dave jumps up and goes to quietly hold her and assess the damage.

My heart is breaking for my sweet Maggi, Emma tries to run up to the stage, and I grab her, waiting to see what will happen between Dave and Maggi.

That Moment.

Before I know what is happening next, Dave is asking them to restart the CD, and Maggi starts over, and sings her song perfectly.

She comes to sit beside me, but I, decide to take them both out of the service to see what I could do to help start the healing process (and find out how quickly I could call Springfield and politely resign and tell them that cost was too great)

We are sitting on a park bench just outside the church on a perfect spring day, and I ask Maggi to talk to me.

She said, "The words to my song touched me and made me cry, because I want them to be true."

ok. . . .

Jesus take me right now.
This girls just stole my heart.
My children may never win a nobel peace prize, or hold a seat in the senate, or gain success judged by earthly standards.
But It doesn't get better than
That moment.

We have read the stories of Jim Elliot, Nate Saint, Amy Caarmichael, and Elizabeth Elliot and that was what has affected and changed them. Not all that they had "lost"

Later in the day, we drove up the California Coast, which was truely a Blessing from our Father. The California wildflowers were vibrant and in perfect display, the weather was amazing, and we found a perfect place on the beach to lay out a blanket and soak it all in. The girls laughed, found treasures, and got wet & sandy.

We all agreed that itineration sometimes was more than we could handle on our own, and then sometimes, on days like this, more than we deserve.

My sweet Maggi is growing and changing faster than I can keep up with. She does her own hair, she loves jewlery, and is starting to borrow her sissy's bows. She is beautiful, but the beauty on the outside is just a small reflection of what is on the inside.

Her moment came when she sang these words:

If I saw You on the street
And You said come and follow me
But I had to give up everything
All I once held dear and all of my dreams
Would I love You enough to let go
Or would my love run dry
When You asked for my life

When did love become unmoving?
When did love become unconsuming?
Forgetting what the world has told me
Father of love, You can have me
You can have me

If You’re all You claim to be
Then I’m not losing anything
So I will crawl upon my knees
Just to know the joy of suffering

I will love You enough to let go
Lord, I give you my life
I give you my life
When did love become unmoving?
When did love become unconsuming?

Forgetting what the world has told me

Father of love, You can have me
You can have me

I want to be where You are
I’m running into Your arms
And I will never look back
So Jesus, here is my heart

My Father, my love
You can have me