Tuesday, July 10, 2012

I couldn't find the words

The last few weeks have been hard for the family.
I could never find the best way to articulate my feelings, struggles, and deepest prayers.

After a rough family event last night, David started typing. . .

And this time I couldn't find the words, But Dave did.

How do you stand when you don’t even know where to stand? When pursuing what it is you believe God would have you do seems to contradict what you understand it means to love and protect your family. When you no longer feel as if you are accomplishing either, what do you do? You feel like a failure, for one. You feel very alone for another. You know that God is concerned more about you, more about your family, than He is concerned with what you do. You know that He promises to provide in every area of your life no matter the circumstances, but in this place you can’t see it. You know that He has created you to love Him first of all, but also he has equipped you to do something as well. He expects all of us to do the something he has equipped and called us to do. It has to flow out of our relationship with him, but none the less we are accountable to the calling and talents he places in our lives. The first thing He has called us to do outside of our relationship with Him is to love our spouse more than any other human being. He calls us to prefer them over anyone, to love them unconditionally and protect them. Second he calls us to love our children He blesses us with. To protect them, provide for them and to raise them up to know and love God. But then He calls us to love this world. He calls us to live our lives in such a way before them that we are able to draw others to Him. He calls us to give up our lives as He gave up his to love the world and draw them back into relationship with their heavenly father. So where are we left when this calling to love our family and our call to love the world seem to be in conflict?
All I know to do is give myself over to Him completely and say “God I am completely incapable of accomplishing anything without you.” I cannot love my wife like she needs to be loved, I cannot love my kids or raise them the way they need to be. I certainly cannot love a world that does not love me in such a way as to reveal anything but my faults and failures. So I acknowledge that only God can accomplish those things in me. I ask that He would give me the ability to effectively love my wife and children unconditionally, protect and provide for them. Secondly that he would give me the opportunity to effectively accomplish His calling in my life to be used to reach a lost world.
Lord in this place this is my prayer. “Forgive me for thinking I am in anyway able to accomplish a life lived for you under my own strength. Forgive me for how that has been revealed in a less than intimate relationship with you. Forgive me for how that has affected my wife and children. Forgive me for taking the call to love the world and viewing it through my own ability and suspect talents. Lord I once again take the place as a worshiper, disciple, student, child. I say Lord, have your way in my life through your understanding, your plan, your will, not mine. I ask that you work through my life to help me love you and relate to you in an intimate and genuine relationship. That through that relationship you enable me to effectively and passionately love my wife, to raise my children with deep love and affection to help them to love you and see them become all you have designed. Also I ask that you help me to be in this world for you what you have created me to be. Help me to trust you each day to provide the desire, the opportunity and the ability to accomplish your will. Help me to place my confidence in your provision, to hear your voice and to walk boldly in your presence. Lord I am lost and empty without you in this place of confusion and uncertainty. Hold my hand, be my guide, my strength, my everything and accomplish your will not mine. I give you all the glory, honor and praise. Amen.”

Have I ever told you how much I love that man?

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