Friday, June 25, 2010

It is time for a milestone

Whatever You're Doing by Sanctus Real

It's time for healing

time to move on
It's time to fix what's been broken too long
Time to make right
what has been wrong
It's time to find my way to where I belong
There's a wave that's crashing over me
And all I can do
is surrender

Whatever You're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos
but somehow there's peace
It's hard to surrender to what I can't see
but I'm giving in to
something Heavenly

Time for a milestone
Time to begin again
Reevaluate who I really am
Am I doing everything to follow Your will
Or just climbing aimlessly over these hills
So show me what it is You want from me
I give everything

I surrender...

to whatever you are doing inside of me. . .

Time to face up
Clean this old house
Time to breathe in and let everything out
That I've wanted to say for so many years
Time to release all my held back tears

Whatever You're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos but I believe
You're up to something bigger than me
Larger than life something Heavenly

Whatever You're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos but now I can see
This *is* something bigger than me
Larger than life something Heavenly
Something Heavenly

It's time to face up
Clean this old house
Time *to* breathe in and let everything out


These are the words to a song I heard this past weekend.
We were in the van coming back through the beautiful hills of Costa Rica.
David was reading, the girls and Judy were sleeping, so I had some time to reflect.

I was listening to whatever was playing on the ipod,
and this song came on.

Have you ever had a moment, were God really spoke to you.
A mountain top experience so to speake.

This was mine.

Coming down from the hills of Costa Rica.
I had a meeting with God.
Where I could tell Him all my fears.
Where I told him to clean my house.
I asked Him to fix what was wrong.
It was my time to reevaluate who I am.
It was my time to release my held back tears. And they came, let me assure you.
I played this song over and over again for about an hour.

This is has been a hard time for me. We are on an amazing adventure, but I have had some strong emotions I didn't know I would have. I am trying to put myself here on a permament basis. Trying to think how I would handle things if I were here for more than 6 weeks.

And I felt like I was not doing well with the challenge.
Last week we had no running water for most of the week. Well, by the end of the week, living in a house with 5 people, not being able to wash dishes, hands, dirty feet, clothes, etc. was beginning to wear me down. That combined with other small challenges proved to much.

Infact, during class last week, I had to excuse myself, because the tears were coming faster than I could stop them.

I am not sure what or how it happened, but it was a low place. I thought that I could put myself in the missionaries shoes so many times, but I don't think I had come anywhere close. 3 weeks away from home, and I already felt so far away. I am able to communicate to my family pretty easily with the use of the computer, but felt so lonely and far away.

Also, having the opportunity to talk with some missionary families, they didn't express the feeling they had left anything behind. I don't know if I can ever feel that.

I am truely my own worst enemy. I am harder on myself than anyone could ever be, so it all came to boiling point. I felt like, this was God's way of saying that this was not what he had planned for me.

But God, in His perfect timing, and the way I needed, gave me this song, (and many many many Scriptures, emails, card, and skypes, and new friends this week).

And I realize, that He is up to something. Bigger than I can see.
And that "how small am I to think I am suffering". Or that I am lonely. Or that I am sacrificing.

Everytime I turn around this week, God has comforted me.

To sum it up, this morning, I opened my Bible to find this. . .
Therefore we do not lose heart.
Though outwardly we are wasting away (which by the way We are not)
yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day.
For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweights them all.

So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.
II Corinthians 4:16-18.

I surrender, to whatever you are doing inside of me.
Time to breathe in and let it all out.

Time for a milestone.

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